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| Who
The Heck is Shorty Small? |
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This
story starts back in eighteen eighty-eight; it's about a mining
town slapjack who made the worst pancakes ever. (But, if you're
hungry, who gives a damn . . .).
Well, anyway, the story we really want to tell is about his
son, Shorty. Shorty was born in nineteen thirty-four. Needless
to say, Ol' Josh was seventy-four when Shorty was born.
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Well,
as Shorty grew on plain folks' food, he attained the great
height of five feet two inches, and he expan'ed to two hundred
and ninety pounds. And Shorty jus' kept on expan'in'. . .
and expan'in' and expan'in'. . .
We won't mention his weight again, but we'll tell of his inheritance
of the saloon business from his pappy, Ol' Josh. By the way,
Ol' Josh kept the fire hot and fathered sixteen more youngin's
named Lenzie, Drew, Ervin, Pat, Bill, Patrick, Rodney, Chuckie,
Tracy, Daniel, Brad, Dave, Tarek, and Craig. Ol' Josh died
happy at a hunnert and four. In fact, it was a hunnert and
four degrees the day he died.
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There
were lots of women in Shorty's life, and he loved `em all includin':
Kathi, Paula, Katie, Linda, Jennifer, "Boom Boom",
Michele and Pat (but not at the same time...). But none caught
his fancy like Sadie Woedzinski (wad*zen*skee!). Sadie was just
a skinny young thang, an' she was gooder than gold. But years
of cookin' for Shorty - and his inherited interest in young
ladies - began to show a lot of wear and tear on poor Sadie,
yet she still stuck by his side (it was the right side - not
the left).
Well, you're here readin' all this bull, and we're sure glad
you are. As you can see and taste, the great American Shorty
Small's tradition is still expan'in' - and so is the saga of
Shorty Small. |
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